Throughout the last 8 years or so, I've slowly noticed a pattern of thought. While I'm programming, which is often an experience where the goal isn't particularly clear or digestible, my inner critic and shame starts going haywire.
It's incredibly tiresome. I love learning and making art deep down. It feels almost like a trauma response that I've repressed and refuse to understand.
Dealing with things like perfectionism, shame, unrealistic expectations, impulsive behaviors.. feels really lonely. In the moment, I feel not in control of the driver's seat. Sometimes the struggle feels profoundly pointless.
Despite all of this, I'm proud of myself for my resistance against adversity. Proud of my resilience against and journey towards acceptance of corruption and depravity.